976

finally this week of love and giving is over, and i say it not with relieve, but with a heavy heart. will everyone go back to being the usual self and hide all signs of love for another? i hate to think, but i know the answer even without thinking. after today, everyone will live as they lived and appreciation will be kept and accumulated until this period of the year comes again in 2005, and then expressed to the bare minimum. why i ask myself, izit so wrong to tell others how much u love them? why is everyone holding their tongue? i love telling ppl how much i love them.

why muz gifts be given onli during this valentine's period, or during some celebrated events like some birthday or christmas? there's a chinese saying that goes "the act of giving actually derives more happiness than receiving". after this week i can really understand why this saying has been valid for the thousands of years tho it totally dun seem to make sense. every econs student wld tell u that an increase in product is preferred over an increase in cost at any given time, ceteris paribus. however, ceteris paribus can never ever be present in the presense of a certain element called love. i seriously believe that we can and shld be giving gifts and love as and when we please. if onli society can actually try to change its attitude and understand that something little out of no reason is worth much more than something of extravagance that one feels compelled to get for others during "birthdays" or "christmas" yet again. i believe that its always the thots that count, and i would appreciate love from my frens more than anything else. i love my frens.

last night was yet another showing of how some jokes can onli be appreciated by a certain type of ppl. and making ppl luff is never complete unless u get some jokes from them as well. normally in class, making ppl luff was never a prob, altho sometimes i feel as if my jokes are more of a nuisance to the populace and how they wish i could just shut up for a week or a month so that they can find sanity and concentrate on their work. (altho i tell u i always believe that these ppl who seeks sanity in boredom often becomes insane, and sanity is realised onli amongst the craziness of no-brainer jokes) however they could never bear to lose that front that they hold so dear and provide me wif some outburst as well. often i find myself having to amuse myself in class, and thats the extent of their selfish unwillingness to let loose. In odac, things are different. everyone seeks to bring luffter, and in the process, one dose of laughter that one brings often means about 10 times the return. (11 ppl sharing jokes, 1 speaks 10 laughs. then another speaks) how do we actually come up with so much to laugh about? are we simply born to be idiosyncratic? NO. jokes are often born in jokes. jokes get married and they give birth to a new generation of jokes. as the family tree gets on and on, the youngest and newest jokes would often be private jokes that no others could understand. onli those who knew the grandfathers could even appreciate the grandson. and for any who got lost along the way, they could simply start a new tree, or use marcotting to introduce new elements to the tree. its a tree that strives on willingness to share, its a tree that lives on everyday cynicism, its a tree that never dies. i love this tree.

i was at parkmall at 11.32pm last night. saturday. waiting for bus 174. everything was deja vu. recalling 2 weeks back. jan31---obs gathering. something obviously missing. and i thot i was rather a failure. if onli i had done more in the course of this 2 weeks. den maybe i could be calling ang ku kueh late this hour and wish her a hapi valentines instead. but i cant now, and i think this is the end of a frenship. the ang ku kueh had turned stale. but i walk on. i love my life.

i nearly went into "another insightful conversation again" with my dear becca. somehow i didnt. but i realised that i always derive much insights whenever i converse with her late at night. "ivan...open ur mind!!" was what i remember her saying to me. her words often bites into the walls of my memory and leave an impression, tho they havent reali made much of a difference to my life. one day i might look back and say..."shucks. i shld have listened to rebecca and maybe my life would not be one of so many regrets". Perhaps we look at life with a different expectation of it. she strives to get what she targets, and would become so determined to do it and in the course even begin to doubt her own abilities as she expects more and more of herself. as for me...i always try to change what i want in accordance to what i can get and then in the process begins to become more complacent as i expect less and less of myself. i feel ashamed talking to her, and then looking at how i'm living my life. suddenly she becomes someone i look up to. nah...jus someone whose attitude i respect and would be watching closely how her life changes into a beautiful spectrum of multiple colors. while i continue to stay as the all emcompassing but boring---white. i love becca.

ps. becca...still didnt get to a thousand. or maybe i can type "i love u" for 8 times. kekez...