leap before u look.

another day which i slacked away. today i heard 2 theories/analogies that played directly opposite roles to how i'm seeing my own slack attitude. during one of the 10,000 million breaks today, i talked to my angel. er...i meant cand^ice wa.n shu tin-g (the funny letterings is to prevent ppl from googling into this site) anyway...we were discussing abt nothing as usual, but conversation developed into something, as usual as well. sometimes i wonder if she often provokes such thots in me, but every conversation wif her have ended in more or less something that one can ponder upon. cheap philosophy? perhaps. perhaps. anyway! we were talking abt how Mankind was created, and of coz God has to be pulled into the picture whenever we talk abt such issues. But this time around, she didnt get the chance to preach me! wahahahas! instead, we went into discussing the realism of our existence. we talked like matrix-fanatics. matrix inspired perhaps, but certainly no cliched stuffs like us being a battery of some machines. Eunini talked of how we might jus be characters in a SIMS game, as the players (whoeva that might be) drag us from places to places, dictating how we shld spend our lives. Candice brought up our ability to exercise choice at times of need, and tries to use that to argue her way out. hahas....well? i thot of something much much more lame. i said that we were merely nothing more than pets to a higher community thats living somewhere up there. for one, we think that we're in charge, but we're no better than a goldfish, right stuck in this world of ours, like a fishbowl. we get fed by the higher existence jus like how we feed goldfish fish food. and to them they might jus think that food has dropped from the sky. well? we're smarter, so GOD had to outsmart us by using living food dispenser such as a chicken to pop eggs. while we think that chicken lay eggs, it could well jus be an input of food products by the higher-ups so that we get fed. jus like how we buy a big bag of fish food, they could be feeding us with "human food". (assorted flavour perhaps?) and thats assuming our "owner" is well off. for those who cannot afford such "assorted flavour", their pet---the africans perhaps?-- will jus have to make do wif rice. and all this could be happening to us while we continue thinking that we're in control of our own lives, jus like goldfish believes that the world is so small and food falls from the sky. we cannt fathom beyond our human intelligence the real situation, but meanwhile we can continue keeping gold fishie fishies and laugh at the lowness of their lifeform. as we might be laughed at right this instant. so why shld we even bother? the lord has oredi made my arrangements.

now the other. the bus analogy. imagine the bus to be the majority of the cohort as they progress in their studies. if u lag behind, u'll have to chase after the bus all the time---not very nice. if u're hanging by ur fingertips on the bus, u better make an extra effort to get up the bus, or risk falling off when the bus speeds up---its dangerous. one last option wld be to sit atop the bus, adjusting the air-conditioner, and slowly taking out the book "chicken soup for the slackers" and enjoying the entire journey without much hassle. jus moving off a few minutes earlier and getting urself on the bus wld thus mean an entire journey of relaxation and rest. and yet being on time. now this analogy clearly says that we shld start earlier. afterall, the earlier buses are often empty and more comfortable, but lonely.

before i know it, its 130 am again. and thursday oredi. no wonder i cant seem to do much these days. oh my good frens...i dunno if y'all can 4give me for being so disappointing lately, but i certainly find that there's absolutely no excuse. i cant forgive myself, but much as i wan to jus force myself to eat the spinach and drink that red bull, i jus cant seem to find the motivation to do it nowdays. i feel very hollow within myself, like my whole body is fit (in fact i've never felt more fit) and my mind working very well, but jus that THING in me dats missing. as i watch my once-very-achievable aim of facing the science-ppl wif some scornful look drift into nothingness. and i doubt myself now, i even doubt the "myself" of the past. and i wonder where in the world i find such courage to even imagine myself doing so well in subjects which i'd be struggling 6mths down the road. i have yet another broken promise to myself. not the promise to get the results, but the promise to even try. where was my "confidence wif ability?" which so many termed arrogance? i think they've gone into hiding, and today i'm no more than another stupid arts fac person who cant punch a calculator. i may redeem myself one day, but this slump would never have been accepted by the ivan that i know myself by. i'm losing myself. nay. i think "myself" is too ashamed to be me. and he ran away...far far away....