you noe there are times when there is so much in there that u wanna talk about? but jus cant really conjure enough strength nor will to actually jus pen -or blog- them down? some call it the writer's block, i think it has got more to do with the inability -or unwillingness- to jus make the feeling inside become more definite than it really is. While feeling is often more complicated (or perhaps onli because one is confused and knows not what one is truly feeling) than one can explain, the use of words destroys any ambiguity and firmly sets the boundary. Today is such a day when i felt like i wanted -needed- to blog. i had this urge in me, to "capture the moment" like denise would say, but soon as i tried, implications of blogging start popping up right in my eyes. And i have to blog in circles -yet again. 3 hours after i first wanted to blog but ended up deleting the entire post, i have returned to have another go at it. here it is.
Saturday doesnt feel much of a difference these days, still hanging out wif Da Funt -minus the dumb sisterhood that i so do not approve of. (this is the first of the touchy issues that i have decided to go into, and i think carol is going to get kinda upset wif this. but still..."sometimes in order to do something right, we have to give up what we really want (to make carol happy?) " ) Sometimes people dun realise that they are making a huge mistake. Jus by pure chance, and not by merit of true friendship, a sister "hood" is formed. And i've always realised the irony of them using that word since the day one. a hood they are indeed. in every single sense of that word. (but i must be careful not to push it too far. just meant to invoke some kinda reflection from them, and if they dont agree wif it, den so be it.) people can be hooded from the truth when they're......in a hood. Its criminal to be in a hood, period.
Saturday doesnt feel much of a difference these days, still hanging out wif Da Funt. running about and doing nothing much in particular, thats life. went separate ways after fooding. Got lolita with me already, and i missed a stop reading it on the bus home. a perfectly normal saturday, but there's more to it and -again- i cant go into it.
This week itself has been madness (in fact every week a madness since i stepped into college. a collage of outrageous memories i never imagined possible -college rawks) Dumb racial harmony day, witch hunts by the teaching board, and of coz rapture. Cannt believe that teachers are actually going around trying to catch people who expose their wrong doings. (wonder if i myself will get into any trouble simply by writing this) So much for freedom of speech, cant the teachers go find something better to do? Why do they see the need to "clear their name" so eagerly? are teachers so concerned with their image? well actually its pretty obvious when u're a good teacher or when u're not, so there's no need to try to clean the shit from ur face -u'll only be making it worse. And so, i've been asked to "vanquish" crapaper, and make sure not a trace of it is left. i say "make me". this is so unreasonable!
i cant even blog in chronological order now. but heck, who's gonna mind anyway. i'll probably hafta scribble like 20 pgs into my diary later on. realise that i havfe mood swings quite easily when left on my own. i can handle my emotions quite well when i'm with other ppl. at least i keep it within myself and not impose my daily shits on others. for that matter, i think that standing on the stage and showing the whole school how emotional one is by crying to mark the end of one's CCA is totally dumb. and in the doing so seem to suggect to all the members of the sudience that only their CCA is superior and thus when stepping down they feel sucha great loss and really NEED to cry. i can be so skeptical sometimes, but still it was sad to see some of them crying like mad. ok back to my blog...
when one decides to "set his priorities", one should give up the right to pose around -and be a poser. this is such a loser attitude/behaviour. and i hate losers totally. (in true olympics spirits, everyone is a winner in sports, the "losers" mentioned above are serious losers -u get my point)
i can write more to my diary than i can pray to God-whoever. (not meant to be profanatory) okok this really dumb idea just sprang into my mind. perhaps each one of us has a limited "ammo" of words that we speak. and this "ammo" is sort of stored up in an arsenal, and everyday we would carry some of it with us, reloading our supply at the end of everyday. heh well if thats the case, it very clearly explains why i dun talk much at home. (another reason being i like to observe the family and see how humans behave) everyday in school i finish up my day's supply, and i predict that by age 24, i'd have used all of my supply. Thus by 24, i'd be a very reserved and quite person, not talking unless i am compelled to, and not flirting except with the eyes. The human heart is very queer: always noticing the quiet ones and shutting out those who constantly bombard the ears - overloading of something. Once read something abt why all the pretty gals are always unattached, because all the good guys who are humble went for sub standards thinking that they are not good enough for those pretty gals; and all the rest of the guys are fat head jerks who goes around thinking that they're very good. This is from another side of the story. Why all outspoken guys can never get nice gals. hahahahaha this is gonna sound so lame. but even i am laughing myself!! because all the shy-shy kinda gals thinks that "high profile guys" are so popular and everybody loves them, and that they dun stand a chance; because gals with very strong character couldnt be bothered with court jesters -not understanding that sometimes they jest because they wanted to lift the crowds, and not for attention; because gals always presume that outspoken guys dun mean wat they say and because words seem to come very easily, they're not appreciated - every "i think i like u" read as "i'm trying to fool around with you". And thus, only those gals who thinks they're very nice -but are not- try to hook up wif them. but puke of pukes, these guys don't like the girls to go after them, its simply not right. So the way to go is to be quiet and act cool. When u dun talk, u're screaming out for attention.
Carol calls her Miss D. hahas hilarious. and she told me to "spare her" [of what i had to say], but i went on and on. hahas... she's such a nice company when she's not feeling anti-ivan. which is why i'm not publishing this blog until she leave considering i wrote something that she would kill me for just now. and meanwhile...this blog jus keep ballooning. so if u feel like there is totally no cohesion in the contents of this blog, its because the time now is actually 3am, but the blog will show written by "11.05pm" which is 4 hrs ago. imagine a blog that goes on and on.
testing a new hypothesis on carol. the paradox of asking people "why you so fierce?" if things work out well...i believe she'll become more fierce than she actually was. in trying to disprove my point, she'd have proved it actually. And in telling her that she's fierce, its actually a self fulfilling prophesy. will she prove my point right? okok she's replying...omg. she said "where got, HAHAHA" ok so i'm wrong. wat if i tell her i find her cute? will she become more cute while trying to behumble? try again. wait.
hahahahhahas okok thats almost enough. i needa go sleep soon. take care people. especially my beef jerky.
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