taking the long way around

God is good.

and i've probably taken the long way around just to find out. i suppose i belong to the kind of people who CANNOT be convinced, or taught, of many things. with my kind of people, cynicism is probably not a choice - it is something we cannot detach ourselves from. (in fact, i sometimes find myself so cynical that i am cynical of MY OWN ACTIONS!!)

It happens all the time, when i tell myself, "ivan stop being so cynical." and then OTHER ivan would immediately hit back and say "yea, stop being like this. u need to stop being cynical to appear like a goodie boy so that you can make little girls love you. because they love ignorant people who do not think so much. *nods* you should SO STOP being cynical." My goodness, i am cynical AND sarcastic to MYSELF. How can anyone expect me not to be cynical and sarcastic towards them?

but i digress. the essential lesson readers like myself should take away is... IF you're like me, and you agree that you can never be convinced, then at least let yourself learn of the better things in life.
when i was a little younger, people used to tell me "its great to love and be loved".
my alter-ego: "no its only good because it seems fashionable to do so. and everyone would choose to be loved than to love any day"
me: "oh stop being so cynical. maybe its really good."
my alter-ego: "ah great. join the trend. be TRENDY. wowww. so proud of you"
me: "oh shut up."
my alter-ego: "wowww"

over the years, i learnt that it was so true. and i probably learnt it the hard way.

Then there was God. No one tried to CONVINCE me or anything. Being the cynical me who couldn't bring myself to trust even my own intentions, it was impossible to believe in a god that seems farther than anything else. By every logic, i would be atheistic, spamming my atheistical sentiments on everyone else who even mumbles "oh my god". But aHAH! I'm smarter than that! even before i took "Logic" as university curriculum, i understood that we can never prove something DOESN'T exist unless we could prove it doesn't. In other words, assuming existence until proven false, for every possible notion.

i digress again. (shit) that would effectively make me agnostic, if you're following the argument. after that, everything would fall in place and i would learn of God's goodness, probably taking the long way around again. in retrospect, i guess it was providential that i find my way to God in the manner that i did. I needed to learn for myself, instead of being MADE a Christian. And i thank God that He understood the exact way to bring me to Him.

In this particular matter, my OTHER self is usually silent. hahaha!! (ok actually there's only me. i'm just trying to attribute all bad things to this bad other-person inside me and then one day claim that he is dead and be released of all guilt. MUAHAHAHA.) (shit, thats the bad person talking again)

ok i'm supposed to study. i need my 5Cs to graduate.